Infertility and the Holidays

Hey friends! Today’s episode is geared towards those walking through infertility or for those who have close friends or family experiencing infertility. As I’ve shared from my own experience and from the experiences of several friends who have also dealt with infertility, it’s a very challenging and difficult experience - physically, emotionally, financially, relationally - really it affects all aspects of your life. This is especially true during the holiday season. 

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While the holidays are a joyful time, often filled with fun and celebration, they can also be incredibly difficult for those dealing with infertility. This is true for pretty much every holiday, but especially so during this time of year with Thanksgiving and Christmas so close together. The emphasis on family traditions, making fun memories, etc. that come with these particular holidays can really highlight the void and lack that couples with infertility can find themselves feeling. 

I wanted to share a few ideas of things that helped us as well as things that friends have shared with me that were helpful to them.

Acknowledge that it’s hard

If you’re walking through infertility, acknowledge when you’re having a hard time. It can feel tempting to just suck it up and act like everything is fine, but that is only going to make things harder on you emotionally. It’s okay for you to feel how you feel. If this season isn’t hard for you, that’s fine too! Just take the pressure off of yourself to feel a certain way. 

If your family member or friend is dealing with infertility, acknowledge that this is probably a difficult time for them. Be intentional about checking on them, giving them a little extra love, and making yourself available for them to talk to you about it if they want to (without pressuring them). A simple text that says “Hey - I know this can be a tough time of year. Just wanted you to know I’m always here to listen if you want to talk.” can be a huge encouragement to them - just to know that you haven’t forgotten them and what they are going through. 

Remove expectations

This is going to look like giving yourself (or your friend/family member) lots and lots of grace. If you don’t feel like going to the Christmas party where everyone brings their kids, be okay politely saying no. If you know that certain “holiday” things are going to be triggering for you, maybe just skip those this time. If something is going to cause you to be in an unhealthy place, it’s okay to say no. This also applies to social media! The comparison game is difficult with social media regardless, but I feel like it’s even more difficult during the holiday season, especially if you are dealing with infertility. It may be a good time to take a social media break through the holidays and come back to it in January (or not :P). 

If your friend or family member is the one dealing with infertility, just make sure you’re being considerate. It’s not that anyone expects or wants you to walk on eggshells around them or never invite them to be around your kids, etc. Just be conscious that it may be difficult for them and don’t place extra pressure on them to come to things or be okay. On that note, don’t just not invite them either. I know that feels a little complicated but there is a balance there. Just be gracious. Invite them to the party, feel free to talk to them about your life, your kids, your pregnancy, etc. Just consider their feelings and ask them how they are feeling about things. One of the things that make infertility even more difficult is how isolating it can feel, so don’t let them feel alone - make sure they know you are there for them. They likely feel like they need to act okay even when they aren’t, so make sure they know that they are supported regardless of how they feel. 

Have your ‘safe place’

This one is more for those actually experiencing infertility - make sure you and your spouse have a ‘safe place’. (If you have seen the movie “Four Christmases” think of the scene where they agree on a safe word before they see their families for Christmas - that’s kind of where I’m going with this!) Family get-togethers can get uncomfortable (for everyone at times), especially during a time like this, so talk about these things before the holidays really get started. Agree on a ‘safe word’ if one of you just really needs to go. Have a ‘safe place’ where you both are free to express your emotions and frustrations without judgment or needing to “fix” the other person - where you can just vent (you know, when Aunt Bertha asks for the tenth time, “well when’s that baby coming?”, or Uncle Fred asks, “do y’all need a reminder on where babies come from?”).

I think it’s also helpful to have a friend or two, other than your spouse, that you can really be open with. Maybe someone who has walked a similar road before or someone who you can just be very vulnerable with, who will listen to you vent, but then who will lovingly remind you of truth, pray for you, cover for you if you need a minute away, etc. Remember, this journey is way harder when you try to go it alone. Find your people and let them in. 

Find a way to make the holidays fun

Even though this season can be tough doesn’t mean that it can’t also be fun and joyful too. Plan some holiday activities that you can do - just you and your spouse or maybe with a group of friends - that are fun! Think of the things that you can do that would be way more challenging if you did have small kids right now. Remember that this a season and chapter in your life - not the whole thing - so enjoy what you have right now. Go Black Friday shopping at 2 AM (safely, of course - maybe virtually this year :P), plan a super romantic Christmas date, spoil your spouse or friends with gifts, take a trip, etc. It doesn’t take away the pain, but joy and sadness can coexist, so let yourself have fun and find some things to get excited about!

Give to and serve others

This is a big one. Listen, I know firsthand that you may not feel like giving and serving during the holidays, but we were created to give and serve. We were made in the image of God and something in us comes alive and more joyful when we are reflecting His character. Giving to and serving others is a big part of that. 

There are tons of opportunities for giving and serving during the holiday season, but one of the main ones that come to mind for me is Operation Christmas Child with Samaritan’s Purse. This year, you can pack a shoebox by either physically shopping for items to fill your shoebox with or pack one virtually through their online portal. It’s such a great opportunity to love on a sweet child that may not get to experience the joy of opening gifts at Christmas. There are also tons of toy drives, coat drives, food pantry needs, etc. during this time of year. 

Maybe there are some kids in your family or friend group who could use some extra love and attention this time of year. Ask if you can buy them gifts or take them to do something fun and give the parents a break. There are always people who need our help and support - especially during the holidays. 

Lastly, I just want to encourage you to keep your focus on the reason and meaning for these holidays. I know it sounds cliche - “the reason for the season” and all - but it’s still true. Where we place our focus matters… what we allow our minds to dwell on matters. As I’ve already said, I’m in no way saying ignore your feelings or just “be happy”, “fake it til you make it” or any other garbage advice like that. The truth though is that both Thanksgiving and Christmas have a purpose, they aren’t purely just for fun. Even in the midst of some of the hardest, darkest day of our lives, we still have things to be thankful for. Research shows that gratitude has a positive effect on our brains, maybe even lessening the effects of depression. It also changes our perspective and shifts our focus from what we may feel that we lack (even as significant as it is) to what we have been blessed with. And the entire point of Christmas is that we all were given an incredible gift that we can never deserve - the gift of a Savior, of one who will bear our burdens and never leave us in our heartache, who will fill our longing and lack, if we will simply choose to accept Him. So this holiday season, make the time to focus on the meaning. Maybe start a gratitude journal, do an Advent study, read through the Christmas story - just do something that shifts your focus. 

I want to wrap up this episode with a little advice from someone other than me. I reached out to a few friends who have also experienced infertility and asked if they had advice for those of you who have close friends and family that you may see this holiday season who are also experiencing infertility. Here’s what they said:

• Don’t say things like “You can always adopt”, “Just relax! It will happen when you least expect it.”, “Don’t stress about it.”, and the most infamous “When are YOU going to have a baby?” 

• Don’t go into the holidays expecting a pregnancy announcement even though those can be common at holiday gatherings

• Don’t add any pressure for couples to have more children, just because their child has gotten older. Secondary infertility is just as real and painful. 

• Overall, just be considerate of your words and how they may make someone else feel. Think before you speak. 

I truly hope that this episode has helped you and given you some ideas of ways that you can enjoy this holiday season or ways to encourage your friends or family through what may be an extra difficult time. If you are personally walking through infertility, please know that you are not alone, you aren’t forgotten, you aren’t being punished or intentionally left out. You are seen, you are loved, you are valuable. Always feel free to reach out to me on social media, if you need someone to talk to that has been there. You can most easily find me on Instagram or send me an email.

If you want to hear more of my personal journey with infertility and endometriosis, check out Episode 31, and for a panel interview about what it’s like to experience infertility, check out Episode 35.

008 - Part 4: The Top Four Reasons Women Struggle to Lose Weight - An Unhealthy Mindset

Hi friends! This week we are finishing up the month-long series on The Top Four Reasons Women Struggle to Lose Weight with Part 4, which is an Unhealthy Mindset. 

While an unhealthy mindset may be the last part of this series, it absolutely should not be the last thing you think about when considering why you may be struggling to lose weight (or to reach any goal, really) - it should be the first! The truth is that you can eat all the kale, never miss a workout, and drink tons of water, but if you don’t deal with the heart work - the part that addresses how you feel about yourself and the value you place on your health - you’re not going to make any true, lasting progress. 

This principle is along the same lines of what we talked about in the first part of this series with having The Wrong Goal, but it goes much deeper than that. Your mindset about your health, your body, and really your worth is at the core of who you are and whether consciously or not, almost every decision you make about food, exercise, self-care, boundaries with others, etc. is related to it. 

We all have struggled with this at some point - let me give you an example of what I mean. Let’s imagine that I have a client that is frustrated because she can’t seem to make any real progress with her health goals. She has tried multiple diet plans and has lost weight on most of them, but after a few weeks or months, she gains the weight back and is right back to feeling sluggish and depressed, she starts going through the drive-thru every night instead of cooking at home like she was before, she hardly ever works out anymore, and is back to drinking more soda than ever. This has happened to her time and time again and she can’t figure out why nothing ever seems to stick. She knows the things to do - but something is missing. She just can’t stay motivated! When I get to know her a little better, I learn that she has been dealing with these feelings and frustrations for several years. When I asked her when she remembers first feeling this way, she shared that it all started in college when she and her long-term boyfriend broke off their relationship. She told me about how he had made a few jokes about her gaining some weight and how it had hurt her feelings but she just brushed it off. Then she found out he was cheating on her with another girl who was much thinner and in her opinion, much more attractive than her. She told me that she blamed herself for their breakup and immediately started trying different diets and workout programs, and it worked - she lost all the weight she had gained in college. But nothing else in her life really seemed to change and after a while, she just went back to the same kind of lifestyle she was living before because it didn’t make the difference she was hoping for. She became very insecure about the way she looked and started spending more time alone. Even if other guys became interested in her, she would end things before they ever got started because she was afraid that if she couldn't control her weight, the same thing would happen again and this cycle just continued throughout her early twenties. 

Can you relate to this client? Do you feel like you’ve tried every diet program under the sun but nothing really sticks long-term? Have you had a similar experience where you started to doubt that your body was good enough or that your identity was somehow wrapped up in the number that showed up on the scale? 

There are a few questions that I would ask my client - and that I’m also going to ask you: 

• How do you define what “health” is? 

What does it mean to you? Not a number on the scale or a certain size. I want you to dig deeper than that and think about what health means to you. 

• What would it look like for you to be healthy? 

What would your life look like? How would it be different than it is now? What would your energy be like? Your relationships? Your career? 

• Do you think that you can actually be healthy? 

When you picture that healthy version of yourself, do you actually believe that it’s possible for you? 

• Do you feel that you deserve to be healthy? 

Like the client in my example, have you allowed something that someone said to you to become your own belief? Do you think that you are somehow undeserving of being healthy because of something you did, or maybe something you continue to do? Are you subconsciously punishing yourself because you feel like that is what you deserve?

Those may seem like weird questions but you would be surprised at how many people have never thought about these questions and honestly have a hard time answering them. It is so common for people to believe that truly being healthy isn’t actually possible for them or is something that they don’t deserve. So, I want you to take the time to reflect on your answers to these questions. 

Now that you’ve thought about your answers, I want to spend the rest of today’s episode focusing on ways you can move into a healthier mindset. 

Self-Worth

The first is to remind yourself of your worth! You were intricately and specifically made to be you! It sounds cliche to say but it’s true - no one else can be you!  We spend so much time getting caught up in what others might think about us or maybe even in something that has been said about us by another person, that we forget what our Creator said about us - that we were fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139)! We are who He says we are - not what the internet says we are, not what our friends or family say that we are, not even what our own thoughts and feelings say that we are. We have to do the heart work of letting that stuff go, of laying down our insecurities and the lies we’ve allowed ourselves to believe. We have to remind ourselves that we were made by God and God doesn’t make junk, and He doesn’t make things without a purpose. We were given life and a body to live it in, and it’s our responsibility to honor that gift by stewarding it well. 

Overwhelm

The second is to work through the overwhelm! Listen, I get it - trying to improve your health or make any health decision is overwhelming. There are so many options and so many people with opinions about the best way you to do it, but you can’t let that paralyze you. I’m all for making informed decisions and researching which option might be best for you, but it’s so easy to get caught up in all the noise that you end up not doing anything at all. So, my advice is to pick something - pick one action step that you know will improve your health, something simple. Things, like drinking more water or moving your body for 20-30 minutes every day, are great places to start. Action begets action. Once you start to make one change and stick to it, the more motivated and confident you will feel to move on to the next thing. 

Maybe your situation is more overwhelming than most. Maybe like me, you are dealing with a health condition that needs specific considerations and recommendations. If so, your first step needs to be contacting a professional that can help you, then commit yourself to learn as much as you can from them. 

Whenever I get really overwhelmed, usually with a list of things that I need to do, my husband always tells me the same thing. He says, “Line them up vertically - stop looking at them horizontally, as if they all need to be done at the same time, and just do the first thing.” As much as it may annoy me sometimes, he’s right! You can’t think about changing all the things at once - you will psych yourself out - but if you choose one thing to do first, you will begin to make progress and it will get easier from there!

Support

The third thing is you need to have a good support system. It’s critical for success! Research has shown that your health is greatly affected by the people you spend the most time with. Now, I’m not saying that if you have unhealthy friends that you need to stop hanging out with them, but I am saying that you need to find at least one person, preferably more, that will have your back and support you! Who will celebrate your wins and encourage you when you’re having a hard time. It’s going to be really difficult for you to make lasting lifestyle changes when the people you surround yourself with are making fun of you for going to work out or for not eating pizza for the third night that week. Again, the point isn’t to lose your friends, but to choose carefully who you have in your corner for this journey! Most of the time, if they truly care about you, they will be supportive and if not, it’s usually due to their own insecurities, so just keep that in mind. 

If you need a group of people to be in your corner, who are experiencing similar struggles and have the same kind of goals, join my group coaching program! This is the last week to sign up for it (registration closes on 9/1) and there are a couple of spots left! Maybe this is the first step you need to take. I really can’t think of a more fun way to get started on your health journey, or maybe to restart on your health journey, than with the guidance and support from a coach, as well as with the support from other women all experiencing and learning the same things. 

The group will meet twice a month from September - November and the meetings will be held virtually, so you’ll be able to join from the comfort of your own home! I’m really excited for this group and I would absolutely love for you to join us! 

Friends that wraps up today’s post and our August series! I hope that you heard something that encourages you! Enjoy the rest of your day!