Infertility and the Holidays

Hey friends! Today’s episode is geared towards those walking through infertility or for those who have close friends or family experiencing infertility. As I’ve shared from my own experience and from the experiences of several friends who have also dealt with infertility, it’s a very challenging and difficult experience - physically, emotionally, financially, relationally - really it affects all aspects of your life. This is especially true during the holiday season. 

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While the holidays are a joyful time, often filled with fun and celebration, they can also be incredibly difficult for those dealing with infertility. This is true for pretty much every holiday, but especially so during this time of year with Thanksgiving and Christmas so close together. The emphasis on family traditions, making fun memories, etc. that come with these particular holidays can really highlight the void and lack that couples with infertility can find themselves feeling. 

I wanted to share a few ideas of things that helped us as well as things that friends have shared with me that were helpful to them.

Acknowledge that it’s hard

If you’re walking through infertility, acknowledge when you’re having a hard time. It can feel tempting to just suck it up and act like everything is fine, but that is only going to make things harder on you emotionally. It’s okay for you to feel how you feel. If this season isn’t hard for you, that’s fine too! Just take the pressure off of yourself to feel a certain way. 

If your family member or friend is dealing with infertility, acknowledge that this is probably a difficult time for them. Be intentional about checking on them, giving them a little extra love, and making yourself available for them to talk to you about it if they want to (without pressuring them). A simple text that says “Hey - I know this can be a tough time of year. Just wanted you to know I’m always here to listen if you want to talk.” can be a huge encouragement to them - just to know that you haven’t forgotten them and what they are going through. 

Remove expectations

This is going to look like giving yourself (or your friend/family member) lots and lots of grace. If you don’t feel like going to the Christmas party where everyone brings their kids, be okay politely saying no. If you know that certain “holiday” things are going to be triggering for you, maybe just skip those this time. If something is going to cause you to be in an unhealthy place, it’s okay to say no. This also applies to social media! The comparison game is difficult with social media regardless, but I feel like it’s even more difficult during the holiday season, especially if you are dealing with infertility. It may be a good time to take a social media break through the holidays and come back to it in January (or not :P). 

If your friend or family member is the one dealing with infertility, just make sure you’re being considerate. It’s not that anyone expects or wants you to walk on eggshells around them or never invite them to be around your kids, etc. Just be conscious that it may be difficult for them and don’t place extra pressure on them to come to things or be okay. On that note, don’t just not invite them either. I know that feels a little complicated but there is a balance there. Just be gracious. Invite them to the party, feel free to talk to them about your life, your kids, your pregnancy, etc. Just consider their feelings and ask them how they are feeling about things. One of the things that make infertility even more difficult is how isolating it can feel, so don’t let them feel alone - make sure they know you are there for them. They likely feel like they need to act okay even when they aren’t, so make sure they know that they are supported regardless of how they feel. 

Have your ‘safe place’

This one is more for those actually experiencing infertility - make sure you and your spouse have a ‘safe place’. (If you have seen the movie “Four Christmases” think of the scene where they agree on a safe word before they see their families for Christmas - that’s kind of where I’m going with this!) Family get-togethers can get uncomfortable (for everyone at times), especially during a time like this, so talk about these things before the holidays really get started. Agree on a ‘safe word’ if one of you just really needs to go. Have a ‘safe place’ where you both are free to express your emotions and frustrations without judgment or needing to “fix” the other person - where you can just vent (you know, when Aunt Bertha asks for the tenth time, “well when’s that baby coming?”, or Uncle Fred asks, “do y’all need a reminder on where babies come from?”).

I think it’s also helpful to have a friend or two, other than your spouse, that you can really be open with. Maybe someone who has walked a similar road before or someone who you can just be very vulnerable with, who will listen to you vent, but then who will lovingly remind you of truth, pray for you, cover for you if you need a minute away, etc. Remember, this journey is way harder when you try to go it alone. Find your people and let them in. 

Find a way to make the holidays fun

Even though this season can be tough doesn’t mean that it can’t also be fun and joyful too. Plan some holiday activities that you can do - just you and your spouse or maybe with a group of friends - that are fun! Think of the things that you can do that would be way more challenging if you did have small kids right now. Remember that this a season and chapter in your life - not the whole thing - so enjoy what you have right now. Go Black Friday shopping at 2 AM (safely, of course - maybe virtually this year :P), plan a super romantic Christmas date, spoil your spouse or friends with gifts, take a trip, etc. It doesn’t take away the pain, but joy and sadness can coexist, so let yourself have fun and find some things to get excited about!

Give to and serve others

This is a big one. Listen, I know firsthand that you may not feel like giving and serving during the holidays, but we were created to give and serve. We were made in the image of God and something in us comes alive and more joyful when we are reflecting His character. Giving to and serving others is a big part of that. 

There are tons of opportunities for giving and serving during the holiday season, but one of the main ones that come to mind for me is Operation Christmas Child with Samaritan’s Purse. This year, you can pack a shoebox by either physically shopping for items to fill your shoebox with or pack one virtually through their online portal. It’s such a great opportunity to love on a sweet child that may not get to experience the joy of opening gifts at Christmas. There are also tons of toy drives, coat drives, food pantry needs, etc. during this time of year. 

Maybe there are some kids in your family or friend group who could use some extra love and attention this time of year. Ask if you can buy them gifts or take them to do something fun and give the parents a break. There are always people who need our help and support - especially during the holidays. 

Lastly, I just want to encourage you to keep your focus on the reason and meaning for these holidays. I know it sounds cliche - “the reason for the season” and all - but it’s still true. Where we place our focus matters… what we allow our minds to dwell on matters. As I’ve already said, I’m in no way saying ignore your feelings or just “be happy”, “fake it til you make it” or any other garbage advice like that. The truth though is that both Thanksgiving and Christmas have a purpose, they aren’t purely just for fun. Even in the midst of some of the hardest, darkest day of our lives, we still have things to be thankful for. Research shows that gratitude has a positive effect on our brains, maybe even lessening the effects of depression. It also changes our perspective and shifts our focus from what we may feel that we lack (even as significant as it is) to what we have been blessed with. And the entire point of Christmas is that we all were given an incredible gift that we can never deserve - the gift of a Savior, of one who will bear our burdens and never leave us in our heartache, who will fill our longing and lack, if we will simply choose to accept Him. So this holiday season, make the time to focus on the meaning. Maybe start a gratitude journal, do an Advent study, read through the Christmas story - just do something that shifts your focus. 

I want to wrap up this episode with a little advice from someone other than me. I reached out to a few friends who have also experienced infertility and asked if they had advice for those of you who have close friends and family that you may see this holiday season who are also experiencing infertility. Here’s what they said:

• Don’t say things like “You can always adopt”, “Just relax! It will happen when you least expect it.”, “Don’t stress about it.”, and the most infamous “When are YOU going to have a baby?” 

• Don’t go into the holidays expecting a pregnancy announcement even though those can be common at holiday gatherings

• Don’t add any pressure for couples to have more children, just because their child has gotten older. Secondary infertility is just as real and painful. 

• Overall, just be considerate of your words and how they may make someone else feel. Think before you speak. 

I truly hope that this episode has helped you and given you some ideas of ways that you can enjoy this holiday season or ways to encourage your friends or family through what may be an extra difficult time. If you are personally walking through infertility, please know that you are not alone, you aren’t forgotten, you aren’t being punished or intentionally left out. You are seen, you are loved, you are valuable. Always feel free to reach out to me on social media, if you need someone to talk to that has been there. You can most easily find me on Instagram or send me an email.

If you want to hear more of my personal journey with infertility and endometriosis, check out Episode 31, and for a panel interview about what it’s like to experience infertility, check out Episode 35.