Prioritizing Your Health as a Mom

Hi friends! This past Sunday was Mother’s Day so in honor of that, this week’s #hfpodcast episode is focused on prioritizing your health as a mom. This can be such a struggle and takes intentional planning and effort that if we’re being honest, oftentimes we don’t feel that we have the energy for. Today I want to encourage and hopefully inspire you to think through some ways that you can support your health and care for your body so that you can continue to love and serve your family well for years to come!

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I reached out to my followers on Instagram and asked them what some of their obstacles were to prioritizing their health as a mom and here are the most common responses that I got:

• Time 

• Hectic schedules

• Exhaustion 

• Lack of motivation 

• Body image struggles 

• Guilt when taking time for yourself

I think all of us moms can relate to pretty much all of that!

The thing we need to remember is that we are all in this together. Most of us who are caretakers in any capacity, moms or not, but especially when you have tiny humans that you are responsible for 24/7 can relate to the struggle of knowing that it’s best for us to take care of ourselves and do things that support our health and figuring out how to actually do it. 

It’s also helpful to remember that this is just a season - not forever. We’re just not going to get to it all every day no matter how organized and planned we are and that’s okay. That doesn’t mean that we don’t try to do things that we know will help us, but we’re going to agree here together to stop beating ourselves up about it when it’s not all done, okay? Deal! 

Here are a few tips and ideas that I hope will encourage and inspire you to take the time and be intentional about caring for your body and supporting your health:

• Spend time with Jesus every day in any way that you can. This will look different in every season, maybe even from day today. The truth is that we just simply cannot care for other people well and pour out of a cup that’s empty. Mothering well requires amounts of patience, wisdom, and care that I just simply do not have without the help of the Holy Spirit. I literally need help with it and I can tangibly feel a difference in my parenting on the days that I don’t prioritize this. 

• Take a little time for yourself. This can be so incredibly difficult to do, but I truly believe that it makes a difference in our mental and emotional health. This may mean asking for help or trying to get up a little earlier before the kids do, or maybe choosing 10 minutes of time to decompress instead of doing the dishes {again}. Get creative - it’s worth it.

• Eat actual meals that are for you (protein+carb+fat, every 3-4 hours, including snacks). The key here is to have a plan but know that it doesn’t have to be elaborate. Stick to the basics and make it work for your season. For ideas or help with this, grab my Foods that Heal Guide and my Easy, Healthy Eats Recipe eBook.

• Try to have food before coffee - I know. 🙈 Here’s the deal - coffee (while amazing) spikes one of our stress hormones- Cortisol - and can make your blood sugar unstable as well as put stress on your adrenals and hormones. Essentially, it can make you have less energy and more irritable. Bad combo for a mom (well, anyone - but you get what I’m saying). So simply adding a small balanced meal or snack before your morning cup of coffee can help to stabilize your blood sugar and support your energy levels and mood.

• Prioritize your sleep. I’m well aware that our kids do not care about our sleep at all. However, a long-term lack of sleep can take such a toll on our health (if you want to hear my personal experience with this, make sure you listen to the whole episode). There is some lack of sleep that comes with parenthood, especially in the newborn days, but I want to encourage you that it’s worth the money, effort, time, whatever you need to do to help your kids to sleep well and independently so that you can too! Also, choose sleep over an extra hour of work or even scrolling. I know that it feels like you’ve earned some numb-out time (and you have) but if it’s a choice between staying up really late to “escape” or get more sleep, the sleep will serve you better every single time. 

• Have a plan for moving your body. This is one of those areas that really has to adapt after having kids but it’s still totally doable. We just need a plan and realistic expectations! Find ways to make it work for your schedule and season of life. You can include the kids by letting them join you in your workout if they’re old enough or let them have a little screen time will you fit in a workout at home. Go for a walk and take them in the stroller or let them ride their bikes or scooter along side you. If your budget allows, joing a gym that provides childcare - this will give you a little alone time and you can fit in a workout - win win! Just be realistic with your expecations of what it will look like. It won’t happen everyday, but if you make it part of your daily plan and shoot for it, you will at least hit it some days. 

• Give yourself some grace. Choose the priorities from this list and don’t try to do everything! Remember, living a healthy lifestyle is really about balance, it’s more like juggling. So choose a couple things that you can focus on and feel good about. Also, learn to let go of some things. Maybe the house isn’t perfectly clean all the time, maybe you have to ask for help, maybe you can’t go to every event you’re invited to. Spend some time thinking through what is most important and what you actually feel called to, and be okay saying no to other things. 

• Don’t give up when you have an off day (or week, even month). It’s not starting over, it’s not getting back on the wagon,  it’s just living your life and tomorrow is a brand new day!

Mama- friends, it’s okay to take care of you too. You will love and serve better if you aren’t trying to pour out without ever taking the time to refill. Think through what you know will help you the most a prioritize a few of these things we’ve talked about today.

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Making Family Meals Less Stressful with Ashley Smith, MPH, RD, LD

In today's episode, Ashley Smith, RD from Veggies and Virtue, is sharing practical and encouraging tips to help take the stress out of family meals. She offers resources and strategies to empower both kids and parents to overcome the challenges of picky eating and mealtime drama.

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Questions answered in this episode…

How did you decide to specialize in pediatric nutrition?

What are some of the most common challenges you see in working with families? 

What is the division of responsibility and how does that apply to feeding our kids?

It seems so common for meal times to be chaotic and a source of stress with young children, especially when they are of age to express their opinions. One of my absolute favorite things that I’ve learned from you over the past couple of years is your Love It, Like It, Learn It method for preparing a child’s plate. Can you share what that is and how it helps to alleviate a lot of this mealtime stress?

Another tip that I learned from you is how you set up your snack drawer/snack availability for your kids. Can you share more about that?

What are a few other helpful tips that you use to make mealtimes less stressful, especially with kids who really like to eat the same things all the time or maybe are hesitant to try new foods?

What advice would you give to the mom listening who is really concerned about their kid’s nutrient intake or how they are/aren’t eating?

You have a ton of resources on your website - both free downloads and a store - and you just recently just started a podcast as well. Tell us a little bit about that as well as what people can find on your site. 

Resources mentioned in this episode: Veggie and Virtue Combination Cards; The Veggies and Virtue Podcast

Find more from Ashley here.

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Gratitude Matters

Research has shown that gratitude has a positive effect on many different aspects of our health.  In today's episode, I'm sharing a few ways that gratitude can change our health for the better as well as simple tips for incorporating a gratitude practice into our daily lives. 

The Harvard Medical School defines gratitude as “a thankful appreciation for what an individual receives, whether tangible or intangible. With gratitude, people acknowledge the goodness in their lives. As a result, gratitude also helps people connect to something larger than themselves as individuals–whether to other people, nature, or a higher power”. When we think of gratitude, we typically think of saying “thank you”, which is obviously important, but gratitude is more than just an action or a trite thing we say. It is an emotion that actually creates a biological response in our bodies. 

Gratitude affects our health in so many positive ways. 

• Eases depression and anxiety (study) (enhances dopamine and serotonin) 

• Improves sleep

• Reduces burn out and stress 

• Helps regulate blood pressure 

• Helps strengthen the immune system 

• Lessens physical aches and pains 

• Helps to break the pattern of toxic thoughts 

• Helps you to be more empathetic 

• Can positively affect relationships

• Helps you to be more likable 

• Builds personal resilience (#2020, right?!)

Regularly expressing gratitude can make you more sensitive and aware of the experience of gratitude in the future. Isn’t it amazing that we have the ability to actually change our brains?! (You can find more about this in episode 47!)

Simple ways to practice gratitude:

• Start a gratitude journal

• Add gratitude to your quiet time routine 

• Write letters of gratitude to friends and family, pastors, teachers, medical staff, etc. 

• Make a gratitude jar or tree

• Pray a Prayer of Gratitude before bed

• Practice saying thank you 

• Be present and aware (put down your phone)

• Create a gratitude ritual with your kids at dinner or before bed

I hope that this has resonated with you and maybe has sparked some ideas for ways that you can practice gratitude in your life. I want to put this to practice now and say that I’m so grateful for you! I so appreciate that you guys listen in, that you support the podcast and share it with your friends, and ultimately that you have allowed me to speak into your lives and support you in your health journey! I truly love what I do and it’s an honor to get to do it!

I want to leave you with this encouragement from God’s word as you go into Thanksgiving and the rest of 2020, whatever it may hold. It’s from 1 Thessalonians 5:18 - “give thanks in everything; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”

Infertility and the Holidays

Hey friends! Today’s episode is geared towards those walking through infertility or for those who have close friends or family experiencing infertility. As I’ve shared from my own experience and from the experiences of several friends who have also dealt with infertility, it’s a very challenging and difficult experience - physically, emotionally, financially, relationally - really it affects all aspects of your life. This is especially true during the holiday season. 

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While the holidays are a joyful time, often filled with fun and celebration, they can also be incredibly difficult for those dealing with infertility. This is true for pretty much every holiday, but especially so during this time of year with Thanksgiving and Christmas so close together. The emphasis on family traditions, making fun memories, etc. that come with these particular holidays can really highlight the void and lack that couples with infertility can find themselves feeling. 

I wanted to share a few ideas of things that helped us as well as things that friends have shared with me that were helpful to them.

Acknowledge that it’s hard

If you’re walking through infertility, acknowledge when you’re having a hard time. It can feel tempting to just suck it up and act like everything is fine, but that is only going to make things harder on you emotionally. It’s okay for you to feel how you feel. If this season isn’t hard for you, that’s fine too! Just take the pressure off of yourself to feel a certain way. 

If your family member or friend is dealing with infertility, acknowledge that this is probably a difficult time for them. Be intentional about checking on them, giving them a little extra love, and making yourself available for them to talk to you about it if they want to (without pressuring them). A simple text that says “Hey - I know this can be a tough time of year. Just wanted you to know I’m always here to listen if you want to talk.” can be a huge encouragement to them - just to know that you haven’t forgotten them and what they are going through. 

Remove expectations

This is going to look like giving yourself (or your friend/family member) lots and lots of grace. If you don’t feel like going to the Christmas party where everyone brings their kids, be okay politely saying no. If you know that certain “holiday” things are going to be triggering for you, maybe just skip those this time. If something is going to cause you to be in an unhealthy place, it’s okay to say no. This also applies to social media! The comparison game is difficult with social media regardless, but I feel like it’s even more difficult during the holiday season, especially if you are dealing with infertility. It may be a good time to take a social media break through the holidays and come back to it in January (or not :P). 

If your friend or family member is the one dealing with infertility, just make sure you’re being considerate. It’s not that anyone expects or wants you to walk on eggshells around them or never invite them to be around your kids, etc. Just be conscious that it may be difficult for them and don’t place extra pressure on them to come to things or be okay. On that note, don’t just not invite them either. I know that feels a little complicated but there is a balance there. Just be gracious. Invite them to the party, feel free to talk to them about your life, your kids, your pregnancy, etc. Just consider their feelings and ask them how they are feeling about things. One of the things that make infertility even more difficult is how isolating it can feel, so don’t let them feel alone - make sure they know you are there for them. They likely feel like they need to act okay even when they aren’t, so make sure they know that they are supported regardless of how they feel. 

Have your ‘safe place’

This one is more for those actually experiencing infertility - make sure you and your spouse have a ‘safe place’. (If you have seen the movie “Four Christmases” think of the scene where they agree on a safe word before they see their families for Christmas - that’s kind of where I’m going with this!) Family get-togethers can get uncomfortable (for everyone at times), especially during a time like this, so talk about these things before the holidays really get started. Agree on a ‘safe word’ if one of you just really needs to go. Have a ‘safe place’ where you both are free to express your emotions and frustrations without judgment or needing to “fix” the other person - where you can just vent (you know, when Aunt Bertha asks for the tenth time, “well when’s that baby coming?”, or Uncle Fred asks, “do y’all need a reminder on where babies come from?”).

I think it’s also helpful to have a friend or two, other than your spouse, that you can really be open with. Maybe someone who has walked a similar road before or someone who you can just be very vulnerable with, who will listen to you vent, but then who will lovingly remind you of truth, pray for you, cover for you if you need a minute away, etc. Remember, this journey is way harder when you try to go it alone. Find your people and let them in. 

Find a way to make the holidays fun

Even though this season can be tough doesn’t mean that it can’t also be fun and joyful too. Plan some holiday activities that you can do - just you and your spouse or maybe with a group of friends - that are fun! Think of the things that you can do that would be way more challenging if you did have small kids right now. Remember that this a season and chapter in your life - not the whole thing - so enjoy what you have right now. Go Black Friday shopping at 2 AM (safely, of course - maybe virtually this year :P), plan a super romantic Christmas date, spoil your spouse or friends with gifts, take a trip, etc. It doesn’t take away the pain, but joy and sadness can coexist, so let yourself have fun and find some things to get excited about!

Give to and serve others

This is a big one. Listen, I know firsthand that you may not feel like giving and serving during the holidays, but we were created to give and serve. We were made in the image of God and something in us comes alive and more joyful when we are reflecting His character. Giving to and serving others is a big part of that. 

There are tons of opportunities for giving and serving during the holiday season, but one of the main ones that come to mind for me is Operation Christmas Child with Samaritan’s Purse. This year, you can pack a shoebox by either physically shopping for items to fill your shoebox with or pack one virtually through their online portal. It’s such a great opportunity to love on a sweet child that may not get to experience the joy of opening gifts at Christmas. There are also tons of toy drives, coat drives, food pantry needs, etc. during this time of year. 

Maybe there are some kids in your family or friend group who could use some extra love and attention this time of year. Ask if you can buy them gifts or take them to do something fun and give the parents a break. There are always people who need our help and support - especially during the holidays. 

Lastly, I just want to encourage you to keep your focus on the reason and meaning for these holidays. I know it sounds cliche - “the reason for the season” and all - but it’s still true. Where we place our focus matters… what we allow our minds to dwell on matters. As I’ve already said, I’m in no way saying ignore your feelings or just “be happy”, “fake it til you make it” or any other garbage advice like that. The truth though is that both Thanksgiving and Christmas have a purpose, they aren’t purely just for fun. Even in the midst of some of the hardest, darkest day of our lives, we still have things to be thankful for. Research shows that gratitude has a positive effect on our brains, maybe even lessening the effects of depression. It also changes our perspective and shifts our focus from what we may feel that we lack (even as significant as it is) to what we have been blessed with. And the entire point of Christmas is that we all were given an incredible gift that we can never deserve - the gift of a Savior, of one who will bear our burdens and never leave us in our heartache, who will fill our longing and lack, if we will simply choose to accept Him. So this holiday season, make the time to focus on the meaning. Maybe start a gratitude journal, do an Advent study, read through the Christmas story - just do something that shifts your focus. 

I want to wrap up this episode with a little advice from someone other than me. I reached out to a few friends who have also experienced infertility and asked if they had advice for those of you who have close friends and family that you may see this holiday season who are also experiencing infertility. Here’s what they said:

• Don’t say things like “You can always adopt”, “Just relax! It will happen when you least expect it.”, “Don’t stress about it.”, and the most infamous “When are YOU going to have a baby?” 

• Don’t go into the holidays expecting a pregnancy announcement even though those can be common at holiday gatherings

• Don’t add any pressure for couples to have more children, just because their child has gotten older. Secondary infertility is just as real and painful. 

• Overall, just be considerate of your words and how they may make someone else feel. Think before you speak. 

I truly hope that this episode has helped you and given you some ideas of ways that you can enjoy this holiday season or ways to encourage your friends or family through what may be an extra difficult time. If you are personally walking through infertility, please know that you are not alone, you aren’t forgotten, you aren’t being punished or intentionally left out. You are seen, you are loved, you are valuable. Always feel free to reach out to me on social media, if you need someone to talk to that has been there. You can most easily find me on Instagram or send me an email.

If you want to hear more of my personal journey with infertility and endometriosis, check out Episode 31, and for a panel interview about what it’s like to experience infertility, check out Episode 35.

How Our Emotions Affect Our Physical Well-Being

In today’s episode, I want to talk to you for a few minutes about emotions and how they affect our bodies. I think we all recognize that our emotional health and our physical health are connected and one influences the other in theory; however, I’ve noticed that a lot of us fail to make the connection that choosing to ignore our emotions, or numb them instead of working through them can have a negative effect on our health. Let’s talk about it! 

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So we’ve all experienced some kind of physiological response to an emotion - butterflies in our stomach when we’re nervous, a flushed, hot face and a racing heart when we’re angry, fatigue and lack of motivation when we’re sad or grieving. It’s common sense that our emotions evoke a physical response in our bodies. So why is it that we’ve tricked ourselves into thinking that we can avoid dealing with deep emotions and stressors by distracting ourselves or numbing out, and it’s not going to negatively affect our health? Let me just be completely transparent and say that I’m just as guilty of doing this as anyone else. Even studying this and knowing what I know, it still seems daunting and sometimes scary to work through my own feelings and emotions at times. 

In Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM), it’s taught that different emotions are specifically connected to different organ systems in the body. For example, the liver is associated with anger and unforgiveness; the spleen/stomach is associated with overthinking and nervousness; the heart with agitation and over-excitement; the lungs are associated with grief and sadness; and the kidneys with fear. It’s important to note that emotions are not bad - they are good, they are natural and healthy. It’s when they become extreme or uncontrollable that they can indicate an underlying issue. Also, in TCM it’s believed that the connection of emotional health and physical health isn’t linear - it’s cyclical. This basically means that chronically unresolved, ignored, and stuffed-down emotions can cause dysfunction in our bodies and visa versa, unresolved dysfunction in our bodies can cause extreme, out of control emotions. 

I’m certainly not an expert on TCM and understand that some people can find it a little strange, but I do think there is a lot of insight that we can glean from it. As a Holistic Health Practitioner (and furthermore as a Christian), I absolutely believe that our bodies were created body, mind, and soul and that all of these areas of our lives have an effect on our level of health. As I’ve said many times before, when we consider “being healthy” we can’t just think about what we eat or if we exercise. It’s so much more! It’s every part of our lives - our relationships with other people and with God, our level of fulfillment and sense of purpose, different stressors from jobs or finances, our sleep patterns, etc. It’s looking at the whole person and their whole life. 

It reminds me of what we know to be true about the physical effects of chronic stress in the body. The overproduction of cortisol can lead to dysregulation of the HPA axis (adrenal system) and lead to chronic inflammation in the body. It makes a lot of sense to me that unresolved emotions, especially those caused by traumatic experiences, can have just as impactful of an effect on the body. 

I’ve actually observed this first-hand in some of the clients I’ve worked with. When they have had traumatic experiences in the past or even just deeply hurtful things happen to them and they think that they’ve moved on or just are afraid to go back and work through those emotions, it really slows down their progress and sometimes even blocks any progress they would have otherwise made. 

So here’s the bottom line of what I want you to take from this episode: Even if you’re “doing all the right things” - eating healthy foods, moving your body, getting good sleep, taking supplements, your drinking water, you’ve switched over to clean beauty products… all.the.things. but you haven’t dealt with the emotional stuff going on inside your head and heart, there’s a good chance you aren’t going to see the improvement you are hoping for. This is true for all of us - whether its anger or unforgiveness at a situation or person, maybe grief and sadness, or some kind of trauma we’ve experienced - we can’t just sweep it under the rug, shove it down, or numb it with food or other substances and then expect that our bodies won’t react. We have to deal with our emotions and feelings. We have to work through past hurts and especially traumas. We have to let go of things and not stuff them down or brush them off like they don’t matter. 

So how can we make sure we’re working through our emotions? 

I think self-reflection through journaling can be really helpful. Learning to sit still and spend some time being quiet, without noise in the background, can often lead to emotions and thoughts that need our attention coming to the surface. Journaling and praying through those things, releasing them to God, and then choosing to move forward can sometimes be enough to release those pent up emotions. 

In addition,  we also often need to also reach out for help - especially when the hurt is deep or traumatic. I am a huge proponent of counseling and think that everyone can benefit from it. There is just something about an outside perspective and unbiased listener that can be so helpful. Licensed counselors are trained to know exactly how to lead us through the process of dealing with our emotions and experiences. 

I’ve also read that acupuncture can be helpful for releasing pent-up emotions and improving organ-system function. Deep breathing, prayer, and meditation are all helpful practices as well. 

I think one of the most important, first steps for us is to just allow ourselves to feel and be aware of the emotions we’re experiencing. Don’t be afraid to feel or try to distract yourself from feeling. Deal with what’s going on, give yourself time and space to reflect on why you feel the way you do and then go from there. There isn’t an exact formula for this - it’s different for everyone and every situation. The important thing is is that you don’t ignore it. That you recognize that your emotions are a gift and they communicate something to your body. God created you as a whole person and we can’t separate our bodies from our minds and emotions.

Creating a Healthy Foundation for our Kids

Hi friends! Today I want to talk to you about something that is on my mind a lot as a parent, and that is creating a foundation of health for our kids. Children learn from what they see us do and the culture of our homes, so I wanted to share with you some ways that we can help set them up for good health as well as a good relationship with food and their bodies in the future. 

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As I’ve already alluded to, this really starts with us! Kids really do default to doing what they see their parents or those in their homes do - so we first need to evaluate what we are modeling for them.

A few ideas:

• Let them see you make healthy choices. 

• Let them hear and see you taking care of your body 

• Let them hear you being appreciative of your body rather than critical

If you are feeling super uncomfortable right now because you know you haven’t been doing those things - that’s okay! It’s never too late to start making these changes and let your kids be a part of that. If they are old enough to understand, you can even give them a head’s up that you are going to be doing some things differently because you want to take good care of your body and be thankful for all that it does for you. Then let them watch you as you then follow through on what you’ve told them. It will teach them so much just by getting to see you start to make changes. *Just a reminder though - this needs to be through a very positive lens and from a place of appreciation for your body and not punishment of yourself. Nothing about how we engage in “healthy” habits or the language that we use should convey that our kids aren’t healthy or “good” if they don’t eat veggies, exercise, etc.  

In addition to setting an example and encouraging a healthy mindset, there are some healthy habits that you can start reinforcing in your kids very early on from infant/toddler age, again by modeling yourself and then encouraging in them as well. 

Some ideas:

• Drinking water throughout the day

  Try giving their milk, etc. with meals and then water in-between meal times. the more you offer them water, the more normal it will become. Consistency is key!

• Division of responsibility at family meals

  This theory for feeding states that it’s the parent’s responsibility to provide food and decide what food is served and it the child’s responsibility to decide how much of that food she will eat. For more about this theory, as well as one of my favorite methods for helping kids with healthy eating habits, check out Ashley’s “Love It, Like It, Learn It” method on her website veggiesandvirtues.com as well as on her Instagram account.

• Include your kids in your workouts and/or have active family time

  Whether it’s a family walk or dance party after dinner, letting your kids tag along for your jog, or a family workout in the living room, kids love to be active.

• Help them learn to deal with stress and anxiety

  We know how difficult this can be even as adults, so it’s important to give our children tools to help manage their anxiety and worries from a young age. One of my favorite resources for this is Sissy Goff, a child, and adolescent counselor. She offers tons of great tips and resources on her Instagram account as well as her website raisingboysandgirls.com

• Set healthy sleep practices

  Set them up for good sleep by doing simple things like ending screen time at least an hour before bed; avoiding any scary books or shows right before bed; getting them to bed on time; ensuring that their room is cool and dark and optimized for sleeping. It can also be helpful to have a conversation with them about why sleeping is so important to our health and makes a big impact on how we feel the next day.

• Don’t be overly restrictive with food

  Research shows that being overly restrictive on how much or what kinds of foods children can eat can often lead to an unhealthy relationship with food in adulthood - at times in the form of food addictions and eating disorders. One way to avoid having to restrict or say “no” all day is to only have foods in your home that you are okay with them eating regularly.

• Help your kids have a healthy mindset about food

  Help your kids understand how food fuels our bodies, how to listen to their bodies (hungry vs full, happy tummies vs sad tummies, etc.) Take them with you to the Farmer’s Market or try growing your own veggies in the backyard to help them understand where food comes from. Just let them in on the process!

• Get your kiddos involved with meal times

  Let them help you chop veggies or stir ingredients together. Commission them to set the table or fill the drinking glasses with water. It’s amazing how much more open kids are to new foods when they’ve been involved in preparing them.

Reminder: It is incredibly damaging to children if they are shamed for eating too much or too little of something or if their weight or bodies are scrutinized or criticized. Do NOT do that! They shouldn’t be the least bit concerned with what they weigh, size of their clothes, or the way their body moves or performs. If you are seeing that in them, please intervene and that may start by evaluating how you approach your own body. If you feel that your child needs some help from a professional counselor or therapist, please provide that for them while they are still young.

Remember they are listening to you and watching everything you do - so please be intentional with this. Be gracious with yourself and with them - it goes a long way.

I hope this episode has been helpful for you and given you a few ideas of ways to create healthy foundations for your kiddos and maybe even yourself! If you have any specific questions, leave them in the comments on this post or you can send me a DM on Instagram.

014 - 10 Tips for a Healthy Relationship

Friends! We are continuing the theme of focusing on ways to support our mental and emotional health - and today, I have my very first guest ever joining me on the podcast - my husband, Scott!

Today, well - the day this episode will be released - is our 10th wedding anniversary (So crazy)! So we thought it would be fun to do an episode that focuses on relationships and just some general tips for healthy relationships that we’ve learned over the past 10 years of marriage - and a lot of these can really be applied to any relationship - not just in marriage.

Scott and I met in college - although neither of us actually remembers meeting (romantic, right?). We were part of a mutual circle of friends and were around each other a lot (and did quite a bit of flirting 😉), but we were both dating other people at the time. However, the next spring I asked him out on a date and the rest is history! We dated for about 9 months before he popped the question, and we got married the next October. It’s hard to believe that it was 10 years ago! 

We want to share a few tips that we have found really helpful in our relationship and that has helped us to be a more unified team - not that we have mastered any of them!

Make God the center of your relationship/home

This one sounds a bit cliche but the truth is that it’s difficult to have a solid relationship if it isn’t built on a solid foundation. As Christians, our marriage vows weren’t just a promise to each other, but more importantly to God. So when things feel difficult or we aren’t exactly in sync with each other, reminding ourselves of how Christ loves us - and the grace and forgiveness He has given us - help us to extend the same type of love and grace to each other. 

Communicate expectations

Communication is everything, you guys! It took me way too long to accept the fact that Scott can’t read my mind and it’s kind of unfair for me to expect him to. Sure, as you grow together over time you will start to know and understand your spouse better, but you still won’t be able to predict every single thought or desire that they have. So just help them out and tell them! (Reminding myself here too!)

Embrace respectful confrontation 

Most people don’t enjoy confrontation, but we’ve learned that healthy confrontation, when needed can keep things from building up to the point of a big argument. Obviously, we don’t need to bring up or knit-pick every single little thing that we don’t like or agree with, but if it is something that becomes repetitive, and will eventually be a bigger issue, then it’s better to address it now. Just remember to be gracious and respectful of the other person. Their opinions and beliefs feel just as true to them as yours do to you. 

Learn the other person’s personality type/love language

I love learning about personality types and what makes people the way they are, but I understand that not everyone is like that (Scott being one of them). However, whether you are an enneagram nerd or not, there is still a lot of benefit from learning more about your spouse so that they can feel loved and known by you. I highly recommend taking a personality test like the enneagram together and well as learning each other’s love language! 

Get on the same page with money

Money is one of the top causes of disagreement in a relationship. We experienced this first-hand as both of us came from very different backgrounds and had different opinions and beliefs about debt, savings, etc. One of the best things you can do early in your relationship is to get on the same page with your money. Once you are married, the two of you become one - and that includes your money, your debts, etc. We highly recommend a program like Financial Peace University! It helped us to remember that we were on the same team and helped us work together toward a common goal rather than feel like we were working against each other. 

Assume the best of each other

Sometimes our imaginations get the best of us. We assume that the off-handed comment that someone made was said to hurt our feelings...or the fact that our spouse is staring at their phones while we are trying to talk to them means that they don’t care about us or what we are saying, but what if instead of assuming those things, we tried to assume the best about them instead? Most of the time the things that offend or bother us aren’t done intentionally - and honestly, it usually has more to do with the other person than it does with us. We can save ourselves a lot of heartaches and arguing if we choose to assume the best about those that we know love us and care about us, instead of being easily offended by them. 

Make regular date nights a priority

This is an obvious one, but it deserves repeating! We are the first to admit that we aren’t always great at this. It becomes so easy, especially when you have kids, to put spending intentional time with your spouse on hold, but that’s not what is best for your relationship, or even what is best for your kids. Date nights also don’t have to be a big, extravagant thing every single time. If you’re on a budget, have a regular at-home date night after the kids go to bed.. Or do something simple like a morning coffee date instead of an expensive dinner. It doesn’t so much matter what it is that you do, as it does that you are choosing to spend quality time together. 

Be lavish with your compliments and stingy with your criticism 

It is so easy for us to take advantage of the things that I spouses do for us. We just get so used to them being there for us, or always taking out the trash, or whatever it is, that we forget to even acknowledge them for it. Yet, we are still super quick to criticize when they do something that we don’t like or disagree with. We need to turn this one around! Take the time to notice the things that your spouse does for you around the house and thank them for it.. Or complement the way they look. Just a small word of encouragement or thankfulness will go a long way! 

Present a united front

This advice is often given in parenting - and for good reason. Our kiddos should never think that they can play us against each other, but this idea can be applied in other situations as well! We need to be careful about running to anyone - our parents, friends, whoever and complaining about or being critical of our spouse. No one should think that they can come to you and be negative about your husband/wife and that you will agree or go along with it. You should always have each other’s backs. Any complaints or discussion about your spouse needs to be taken directly to them. There may be times that you need to seek some counsel or advice from a friend about your relationship, but just be sure that your motives are where they should be and not just for you to vent or feel validated in your own opinion.

Do the little things 

This one goes back to making your spouse feel loved and seen. Scott is so good about this! Little things like letting me have the last bite of dessert or getting up and making the coffee in the mornings go a long way to help me feel loved and seen by him. Whatever that is for your spouse, just go out of your way to do the things that make them feel loved!

Thank you guys so much for taking the time to listen to this episode and to help us celebrate our anniversary! We hope these tips will be good reminders for you, just as they have been for us

If you haven’t subscribed or left a review yet, I would love if you would take just a minute to do so! Reviews help others find the podcast more easily and it means a lot to me! Hope you have a wonderful week and I’ll see ya back here next time!