Infertility can be a long journey and as with anything difficult or challenging, there are certain things that you learn as you go through it. So often I hear people say, “if I only knew then what I know now”, so as we observe #infertilityawarenessweek, I want to share some things that I wish I could have known at the beginning of my infertility journey. Not because I think it will change your outcome or really even your timeline, but because I hope that it will help you find a little more joy in the journey (and yes, I do believe that is possible) and because I hope it will encourage your heart, whether you are walking through infertility or some other hard time in your life. 

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What I Wish I Could Have Known

Some things about myself...

• My body isn’t broken. My body, my health, and my fertility are not projects. While there are things I can do to support the functions of my body, that’s not my sole purpose in life. 

• It’s better to have all the information instead of spending time being too scared to find out. Just go ahead and get the labs done, make the fertility appointment, see what the options are, and then make an informed decision. 

• I am a whole person, outside of being a mom. Infertility doesn’t define me and neither will motherhood.

Some things about marriage… 

This is going to be very hard on our marriage, but we can choose to be all in, no matter how ugly and challenging it may get, and have a stronger marriage because of it. Do the work and don’t expect it to just be okay. 

• Go to counseling

• Have open communication with each other without expecting one another to handle things perfectly. Don’t try to fix each other. 

• Learn to be okay with the other person not being okay sometimes - just be there for each other

• Keep intimacy fun and not only for purposes of “trying”

• Enjoy being with each other and doing all the things that come easier without kids - take the trips, never skip date night, do home projects, etc. While wonderful in every single way, a baby makes everything more complicated.

• Don’t miss what we have now because we are so focused on the future.  

Some things about other relationships...

• I cannot do this by myself. I need to let some people into it to walk along with me. They won’t completely understand and that’s okay. Your people will love you even when you aren’t okay. 

• Finding a support group or at least another couple or two that are walking the same road is so helpful (online resources if none local) 

• Take some of the pressure off. I don’t have to attend every single baby shower or gender reveal party. I don’t need to isolate and wallow in self-pity but I also can’t hold myself to an impossible standard either. I can love people well and still hold healthy boundaries. 

Some things about God...

• God isn’t being cruel or holding out on me and He isn’t punishing me for something. He doesn’t treat his kids like that. My grief and heartbreak break His heart too. 

• God made my body good because it’s made in His image. Even if the brokenness of this world is affecting the way it’s functioning, it is still a creation of the Father, and He cannot make bad things. 

• There is beauty within this pain and if I lean into trusting God through it, there is treasure on the other side of this journey. I can trust Him with this deep desire. 

• That void that I feel, that hole in my heart - it’s a God-shaped hole and only He can fill it.

Friend, there is nothing that I can say that will make this journey easy. Nothing that will take the pain away but my hope and prayer is that something I’ve said here today will resonate with you and help you know that you aren’t alone. You are seen and loved and there are a lot of other people out there feeling the same way that you do. 

If you ever need to reach out and connect with someone who understands, feel free to send me an email or a DM on Instagram. I’d be happy to connect with you. 

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